MINDY: A handgun bullet travels at more than 700 miles per hour.
Hey, whoa. Absolutely not. No.
Mmm-mmm.
Look, if you don't wanna do it, you don't have to do it.
Okay. Good, I don't wanna do it.
Fine.
(GROANS)
Goddamn! I'm alive. (CHUCKLING)
Oh!
Oh, that's amazing! (WHOOPS)
I know, right. So...
Hmm.
Ready to go again?
Absolutely not.
(EXHALES)
Fine.
Don't just say "fine" and then shoot me in the chest.
'Cause it's not cool. (GUN COCKS)
Like at all.
Okay. Jeez.
(SCREAMS)
DAVE: I always wondered why no one tried to be a superhero before me.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING) It turns out somebody had. Mindy Macready.
After her dad died, his old partner on the force,
Marcus, became her guardian.
GIRL: Is that a Pink Pony bag she's wearing?
Nice backpack.
Thanks.
Steal it from a six year old? (GIRLS GIGGLING)
DAVE: Marcus dropped her off every day.
But as soon as he was gone, so was she.
(BEEPING)
No one at school found out because she hacked into the server
and gave herself the award for perfect attendance.
Hit Girl and Big Daddy had been the real deal.
Mindy was gonna keep wearing the mask
as long as there were criminals to take down.
(GRUNTING)
But no matter how many drug dealers she stopped,
she couldn't stop feeling alone.
Me? I'd given up being a superhero
because it was way too dangerous.
Only problem, I was dying of boredom.
Like most high school seniors,
I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.
Hell, I didn't know what channel I wanted to watch.
It's just TV, Dave, not peace in the Middle East.
My best friends Todd and Marty
had no clue I was the first superhero to go public.
You guys watch Spider-Man last night?
Is it weird that Aunt May gets me kinda hard?
Not if you're a granny-slammer.
FEMALE REPORTER: They may wear costumes, but it isn't Halloween.
They're real life superheroes,
and in the two years since the first ordinary citizens
donned capes and masks,
the movement has started to spread.
I became a superhero because of Kick-Ass.
MR. RADICAL: Yeah, you just come home from work,
you grab your gear and you go out on patrol.
Help us make the streets safe.
DAVE: I inspired all those people to get off their asses,
and now I was stuck on mine.
So that night after dinner, I decided to get my old costume out.
Sorry. Whoa! Can't you knock?
You know, buddy, it's perfectly normal for you to touch yourself...
Oh, Jesus, Dad. Get out!
DAVE: If I was even thinking about a Kick-Ass sequel,
I had to get serious.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Hey. Hey, can we chat?
Please, Mindy?
Get in the cab. Meters running.
I wanna team up like Batman and Robin.
(SCOFFS) Nobody wants to be Robin.
What's wrong with Robin?
Weren't you like Big Daddy's Robin?
Robin wishes he was me.
What I'm trying to say is we should be partners,
you and me, like the dynamic duo. (SIGHS)
I'm in the NFL, Dave. You play pee-wee.
So? Train me.
I wanna walk the walk,
and you're the closest thing I know to a real superhero.
Aren't you tired of being on your own?
Don't you wanna know someone's there for you?
Someone who's got your back?
(SCOFFS)
And you'll do anything I say?
Anything.
Hit me.
You're a 15-year-old girl. (GROANS)
What the hell?
Act like a bitch, get slapped like a bitch.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Oh, goddamn.
DAVE: Mindy beat me like morning wood every day for three weeks.
Come on. Guard up! Left, right, guard up!
(STRAINING)
Even with my damaged nerve endings, it hurt like hell.
(GRUNTS) (GROANS)
But, in a weird way, I kinda liked it.
It gave me a sense of purpose.
What happened to your face? Nothing.
Like we were driving towards something.
Goddamn!
Oh! Oh, that's amazing!
All the other people putting on masks were just playing superhero.
We were training to really do it.
I couldn't tell my girlfriend Katie, or Marty and Todd.
But I didn't care. We were having too much fun.
(GRUNTING)
Left, right, left!
Our own superhero team.
(LAUGHS)
It was gonna be balls.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
What the hell, Mom? Did you delete the news off the DVR?
Yes. Yes, I did, Christopher.
That was the one with Kick-Ass.
Oh, Christopher, you've gotta stop obsessing over this superhero.
He is not a superhero, Mom, he's a murderer.
He blew up Dad with a bazooka, for fuck's sake!
Your father died in a fire.
A fire? What is your problem?
You! You are my problem!
I am trying to raise you to be a normal boy!
That's why we moved to Long Island after your father's accident.
A bazooka is not an accident, you delusional bitch!
This conversation is over.
Great. Then I'm leaving.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
Come on, Javier, be cool.
Sorry, Chris, but your mom pays me not to be cool.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
I hate you! You home-school me like I'm a prisoner!
You threw away my Red Mist costume.
God! I am not the problem! You are!
I wish you were dead! (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(MRS. D'AMICO SCREAMS)
Mommy?
MINDY: Don't touch that.
Oh, I'm sorry. What is it?
It's a last resort. Like if all else fails and you're about to die.
Are you not scared to die?
Are you scared you're never gonna grow into your big boy pants?
I'm serious. What if Spider-Man or Batman got killed one night?
It could happen.
If you're scared of dying, one thing is certain, you are going to die.
My daddy was never afraid of dying.
Look where that got him.
He knew he might have to make the ultimate sacrifice one day.
(SIGHS)
And that's why he made me promise
I'd never stop defending this city.
Cross my heart,
hope to die.
Your dad was insane. You know that, right?
(SCOFFS)
You're wrong, Dave. My daddy was the first real superhero,
not you or Red Mist. It was my daddy,
and it was an honor to serve by his side.
Hey, Min, how was school?
Super crazy.
Miss Mullins was out today,
so we had Mr. Cooper leaching us biology, such a grump.
Oh, really? That's weird because Principal Himoff called me yesterday.
You were supposed to get an award
for perfect attendance, but you didn't attend.
I followed you this morning. Saw you get into a cab with some boy,
and I lost you guys over the bridge.
So now you wanna tell me where you really were today?
I'm really sorry, Marcus. I didn't wanna make you mad.
Cut the waterworks, Min. You're 15, not five.
(SIGHS)
Okay.
Look, he asked me to cut class and go lo the mall.
So, yeah, yeah, I did.
This has nothing to do with you being Hit Girl?
I'm not gonna find any ninja blades
or throwing stars under your bed?
No. I just wanted him to like me. Okay?
Sweetie, skipping school's not a way to get boys to like you.
I'm so stupid. Hey, hey.
You're one of the smartest little girls I know.
Let's go get some pizza.
What, you mean I'm not grounded?
Well, just consider this a warning.
JAVIER: Hey, you sure you wanna give all your mom's things away?
What the hell am I supposed to do with all her stuff?
JAVIER: Damn, she had a nice pair of guns.
Dude, she's dead! Don't talk about her tits.
I was talking about these.
Oh, those. Those were my dad's.
Why don't you keep them?
Are you sure?
Yeah. I mean, they belong to you, right?
Come on, Chris. You're your own man now.
Just be careful, all right? Yeah.
CHRIS: Whoa!
Definitely don't wanna keep those!
I'll take care of it. (CLEARS THROAT)
You take the day off. Later.
Hey.
So, are you ready for your first field test?
What am I supposed to do with these?
Put them on and, uh, go fishing.
(EXHALES)
I'm the whitest pimp ever.
MINDY ON RADIO: That's the idea.
Take the next right. Comes out on Flatbush.
You sure I should be doing this without my gear?
That's the point.
Kick-Ass isn't a costume. Kick-Ass is who you really are.
Dave Lizewski is the mask.
Well, my "mask" is about to get his teeth kicked in.
Hey, queer bait, where are you going with those bags, man?
Tell him you're on your way to fuck his mother with a 12-inch strap on.
I'm just taking a walk.
This really isn't what I do. I usually just call the cops.
Who are you talking to, man?
Uh, I'm just on a call. It was...
You know, service round here, it sucks, man.
Now give me the bags, faggot, before I make you suck my fat cock, huh?
Come on.
Okay, okay.
(GROANS)
(YELLING)
(GROANING)
DAVE: Can you believe I let Mindy beat the snot out of me for weeks
just so I could get my ass kicked again?
So much for a team.
You ready to die? You faggot!
You know, all that homophobic shit makes you sound super gay.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
(GROANS)
Come on, man. Come on. (GROANS)
If I ever catch you robbing again, shit-burger,
I'm gonna go Saudi Arabia on your ass and cut your hand off.
Promise me you're done with your life of crime.
I promise.
(GRUNTS) (SCREAMING)
Pants on fire.
What do you think? I think you almost got me killed!
No. What do you think of my line?
"Pants on fire." I wrote a whole bunch of 'em.
Run! I'll tell them you saved me. Go!
DISPATCH ON RADIO: Female suspect fleeing Flatbush.
Under 5 feet. Masked. Armed with nunchucks and a sword.
(ENGINE STARTS) (TIRES SCREECHING)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(BEEP)
ON PHONE: Hey, Min. Hey, Marcus. What's up?
I see you answered your phone.
That means you're not in school.
I was,
but I wasn't feeling so good, and so the nurse decided to send me home.
Poor thing. Well, I'm almost home.
I'll make soup and we can watch Jeopardy!
All righty. I'll see you soon, okay?
All right.
(SIREN WAILING)
(ENGINE REVVING)
(HORN HONKING)
Shit!
(ENGINE REVVING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
You got my soup?
Let me take your temperature first.
Oh, you're really clammy.
I'll feel better after a nap-nap.
Close your eyes. I'm gonna get you that soup.
Is that blood?
Damn it, Mindy. I can't do this anymore.
Your father was like a brother to me.
He was a great cop and a hero.
But Big Daddy? That was not your father, okay?
That was someone who robbed you of your childhood.
And this?
Hit Girl? That's not who you are.
You are Mindy Macready and you're just starting high school.
I understand that you don't know who that person is yet,
but you will, you've just gotta try.
I don't want to.
You don't know what you want.
You can't. You're not an adult, not yet.
Yeah, well, I've done more in my 15 years than most adults have in their lifetime.
That note that your father gave you,
the one that you were supposed to open if anything ever happened.
What did it say?
That you would take care of me.
And that you were supposed to listen to me, right?
Well, listen up.
I want you in school. I want you to stop talking to that boy.
And I want you to promise me
that this is never gonna happen again.
Cross my heart,
hope to die.
Good.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
DAVE: Mindy!
What the hell?
First you almost get me killed, then you stand me up.
Dave, I'm sorry.
I mean, I... You are?
I am.
For everything.
Oh, okay, great.
I mean, "apologetic" isn't a word I'd use to describe you.
How many times do I have to say it?
(SIGHS) Look, let's get out of here.
You gotta ease up. I think I might have broken a rib.
Dave, I'm done.
With training?
With everything.
Wait, you mean everything?
You can't. You're Hit Girl.
We were gonna start a team, you can't just quit.
This is who you are.
Not anymore, Dave.
I'm sorry, but it's over. I'm done.
GIRL: She just broke up with him?
Just leave me alone.
(GROANS) Will you stop apologizing?
I don't know what's worse, that you're fucking a 9th-grader
or that you just got dumped by one. Whoa, whoa!
Pedophile freak.
It's not like that.
Then what is it like? Please, tell me.
I can't. It's to do with the (MOUTHS) Kick-Ass thing.
I've got a secret for you. You remember Malik?
Dude who volunteers at your needle exchange?
His baton is so much bigger than Kick-Ass'.
No. Yeah.
And by "baton," I mean penis.
Yeah, I got that. Thanks.
Fifteen gets you 20, pervert.
A freshman, Dave? You old, salty dog.
What's the problem? Grass on the field, play ball. Right?
No, Todd.
JAVIER: Chris, your tutor's here.
Chris!
Chris, your...
Holy shit. What the hell is that?
My destiny.
Chris, just because your mom liked to get a little freaky now.
I know what my role is in this, Javier.
My dad was a crime boss, so it just makes sense.
I'm a supervillain. It's evolution.
Come on, come on.
Just put those things down before you hurt somebody, Chris.
That's not my name.
Okay, okay. Uh, Red Mist...
Red Mist was my superhero name.
Henceforth I'll be known as.
The Motherfucker.
DAVE: After Mindy quit,
I decided to stop hitting the heavy bag and start hitting the streets.
Hey, Kick-Ass, welcome back!
Yeah! Whoo!
MAN: You're the best, man!
Only problem, I was still on my own.
So I went online and found a physics professor
calling himself "Dr. Gravity."
Sure, he wasn't Hit Girl, but I had to start somewhere.
This is the zero G device that I invented.
Can levitate any object up to a ton.
For real?
Hell, no, man. This is a baseball bat wrapped in tinfoil.
(LAUGHS) But it fooled you.
Hey, could I get a Diet Mountain Dew, please?
I'm not even a physics professor.
Just a copywriter for an ad agency.
But that's why I love this stuff.
You can be anyone you want!
You done many team-ups before?
Kind of. Yeah. No, not really.
I was getting kinda nervous about being on my own, you know?
Yeah, me, too. I never even been in a fight.
Well, hopefully you won't have to.
I friended a guy talking about forming a team, if you're interested.
I don't know how serious he is,
but his picture was pretty hard core.
Are you kidding me? That's why I contacted you.
I didn't wanna freak you out by bringing it up too soon.
I'll show you his profile after I hit the men's room.
JAVIER: Your Uncle Ralph's not gonna be happy about this, Chris.
That's not my name.
I'm not calling you that, forget it.
Javier, you worked for my dad.
Then you worked for my mom. Now you work for me.
I'm probably the richest kid in New York City.
But if you don't like that,
find yourself another motherfucking job, okay?
Yo, Kick-Ass!
Man, am I glad to see you.
Is there anything I can do to help, sir?
Yeah. I was hoping you can help me get a million hits on YouTube.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Come on. Come on.
(GROANING)
Run, Kick-Ass, run!
Jersey Shore motherfucker!
Hey, what, you not interested in a fair fight?
(LAUGHS)
That is no fair fight. Team meeting tomorrow.
I'll e-mail you the address.
(HORNS BLARING)
Beware Dr. Gravity! (WHOOPING)
DAVE: You had to admire the Doctor's enthusiasm.
I couldn't wait to meet his friends.
(BELL JINGLING)
Hands in the air, Spring Roll.
Empty the register and don't do anything stupid.
Come on! Hey, where are your security cameras?
We don't have them. Too expensive. Seriously?
What the fuck? How's this gonna go viral? You want to be filmed?
Shut up and just get on the ground!
And you'd better tell people The Motherfucker was here.
What's wrong with you, boy? (GASPS)
Get on the floor, too, Gandalf,
or I will bust a cap in your ass.
You're gonna bust your own face
when that gun kicks if you don't hold it properly.
Just get on the ground!
God, will you hurry up!
(GROANS) I told you.
(GRUNTS)
Go! Go, go, go!
Start the car! Go, go!
(ENGINE STARTS) CHRIS: It was amazing!
I feel so alive. I know who I am. I know why I'm here.
I'm gonna fuck this world up!
They will know The Motherfuckers name! (YELLS)
You've gotta find me some bad-ass MMA types to train me, okay?
Like a Chuck Liddell or whoever.
Fuck, I don't care how much it costs.
I just wanna be able to kill Kick-Ass with my bare hands.
(PANTING)
I gotta tweet about this.
MARCUS: All right. Are you ready?
Um, I don't know. Am I?
Yes, you are. You look great.
And Barbara's daughter, Brooke, is really nice.
What am I supposed to talk to them about?
I'd rather be water-boarded than listen to Justin Bieber.
You're gonna be fine. I'm gonna be a disaster.
How do you know that?
Because it's a slumber party, for fuck's sake.
Dollar. Jar.
(SIGHS)
You're gonna need a bigger jar.
Pretty cool, huh? This is how the beer gets delivered.
Dude. You got a secret elevator to your underground headquarters.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah. The guy I told you about owns this place.
It's like a real-life bat-cave.
I know, right. Oh, yeah.
(EISENHOWER BARKS)
This is the single greatest thing I've ever seen.
Welcome to Justice Forever.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Hi, Detective Williams. This must be Mindy.
It is. Hi, Brooke.
You girls have fun and I'll pick you up in the morning, okay?
I'll be the one with the slit wrists.
No, you're gonna be the one that gets the awesome manicure.
I am? Mmm-hmm. Oh, yeah.
Say "hey" to Mindy, ladies.
BOTH: Hey.
HARLOW: I know you.
You're that freshman who took a ride on Dave Lizewski's disco stick.
I did not ride his...
If you just blew him, you're totes a virgin, right?
She didn't blow him, look at her.
Then what? Rim job? Hand job? Fingerbang?
Sweet-Ryan-Seacrest, you at least kissed him, right?
Totes. (GIRLS GIGGLING)
You've never kissed a boy, have you?
Oh, my God, that is so adorable.
Maybe she's a dyke.
Maybe I'll jam my foot up your snatch.
Oh, she's super bitchy, I likes.
Then what's the big deal anyway?
What could be so great about gagging on some douche-bag's tongue?
It's pretty fucking great.
You know how you feel when you watch that video by Union J?
Holy shit, you don't know?
This will change your life.
(SINGING) Don't ever say you're lonely Just lay your problems on me.
And I'll be waiting there for you.
You guys love this shit more than fanboys love Stan Lee, don't you?
Who's Stan Lee?
ALL: (SINGING) I'll carry you I'll carry you.
I'll carry you.
So you know that I'll carry you.
Like you've been running for hours.
And can't catch your breath.
The demons are screaming so loud in your head.
You're tired You're broken.
You're cut and you're bruised.
But nothing's too heavy Just hold on
(MOANS SOFTLY)
I'll carry you.
What the fuck was that?
I know, right? I'm soaked.
That? That is who you are, Mindy.
You may not dress like us or talk like us,
but when it comes to boys, we're all the same.
Twilight. Channing Tatum. Union J.
It's biology, bitch. Don't fight it.
I, um...
I gotta go.
But we were gonna go and get high on bath salts at Logan's house.
Mindy, I wanna give you a chance
that the rest of the girls in our class would kill for.
Don't you wanna walk out the door every day in skin-tight clothes
knowing that everyone warships you?
Don't you wanna sneak out at night, raise a little hell,
and show the world what a strong,
independent woman is capable of?
Don't you wanna belong?
So you know that I'll carry you.
Can I wear this to Logan's?
Yay!
HARLOW: It's gonna be so much fun.
So we tried the cops and tried the newspapers,
and even set up a, you know, a thing on the Internet
for people to help us find Tommy.
Um...
But we got nothing. We never saw our son again.
I came up with the name Remembering Tommy,
and, uh, we've been doing this three nights a week. So...
Colonel Stars and Stripes found us online.
That's terrible, guys. I'm real sorry.
I became Night Bitch after my sister was murdered and found in a dumpster.
Holy shit.
Doesn't bring her back,
but at least I'm doing something positive about it.
Insect Man. Yeah, um...
I've been bullied my whole life for being gay,
so now I stand up for the defenseless.
That's why I don't wear a mask.
Too much like being back in the closet.
COLONEL: Long as your heart's in the right place,
we don't care what you put in your mouth.
Fist bump. Thank you. Thank you, sir.
Well, I became Battle Guy
after my parents were mugged and killed coming home from the opera.
Did I tell you that sick bastard
maxed out their credit cards on porno sites?
I hope we get the chance to say hello to this guy someday
so I can personally levitate his soul from his body.
Oh, my God. Marty?
Yeah, I knew I recognized your voice.
No, I don't know what you're talking about.
I don't know no Marty. New guy.
Hey, asshole, it's me, Dave.
Dave? Why are you dressed like Kick-Ass?
Because I'm Kick-Ass.
COLONEL: You two know each other?
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, like since we were five.
What's all this bullshit about your parents getting killed?
Yeesh, language. What?
Battle Guy, care to update your résumé?
(SIGHS) Uh...
I'm trying to figure out how to explain this
without sounding like a complete idiot right now.
Yeah, I'm not sure that's possible, Batman.
MARTY: I'm not, either.
Um...
Okay. Well, when I found you guys online,
you were all swapping these awesome origin stories.
I mean, Colonel, you're ex-Mafia, for Christ's sake.
Yo. Don't take the Lord's name in vain.
I'm sorry.
I didn't think you'd let me join the team
unless I had a good story, too.
All right, we'll let you off the hook this time, Battle Guy.
Wanna see something cool? Yeah.
I thought this could be our meeting room.
DAVE: Whoa, this is so cool.
Now this little renovation was totally clandestine,
which means nobody knew about it. (BOTH LAUGHING)
Now, I know it's not much, but this is just the beginning.
Together we can make a real difference.
Whoa!
If you'd consider it, Kick-Ass,
we'd be honored to have you join us.
Hell, yeah! (ALL CHEERING)
That's what I like to hear.
Right, time for initiation.
Turn around and I'll unzip you.
I'm sorry, what?
Just joking. Let's get down to business.
(ALL LAUGHING) Gotcha.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING) BROOKE: There you are.
We saved you a seat in the caf, but you never showed.
I usually head over to the Olive Garden to carb load.
I haven't had white sugar since my first birthday.
Do we need a thintervention?
Come on, best way to tighten up a tummy is varsity dance team.
The sign-up sheet just went up.
It's still blowing my mind. Kick-Ass.
It's like finding out your best friend's
always been Will Smith, you know?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Hi, guys. What are you talking about?
Nothing.
Nothing? Yeah, Todd, nothing.
All right. See you around, guys.
Todd, wait.
Ow, watch it. Watch me end your life.
Come on. Forget it.
Just one of the dickheads that follows The Motherfucker on Twitter.
Who?
The Motherfucker. He's some guy
claiming to be the world's first supervillain.
He's got 1,000 followers already.
What an asshole.
(BELL DINGS) (GRUNTS)
Get some! Uh-huh! Yeah!
You got this, Motherfucker!
You really think he's got a shot?
I wouldn't take his money if I didn't.
MA is like chess.
It's all about the moves. And your boy really knows his stuff.
Time to die, asshole.
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
You all right? I'm cool. Ow!
Good job. Nice jab, buddy.
Come on, stay loose, baby. Walk it off, walk it off.
ALL: On! CHRIS: (GROANS) Shit!
Oh, you broke my leg!
Come on. Do something. CHUCK: Let's take a break.
JAVIER: Yeah, yeah, let's take a break, guys. Come on.
Street rules, bitch!
(GRUNTS)
Chuck! Get this girl off me!
Hey, what are you doing? What are you doing, man?
You all right, Chris? You all right, buddy?
Get off me! I was winning.
No, you were crying.
You know what? Screw this. My super power
is that I'm rich as shit.
Hey, you wanna work for me, huh?
You wanna beat people up for me?
Sure. All right!
Let's get you a mask and a costume,
and we will call you Black Death.
Whoa, whoa, you don't think that's just a little bit incredibly racist?
I don't give a shit.
I want you to put the word out
that I'm willing to pay top dollar
for every hired hitter in town.
Come on, come on. Just talk about it first.
Money talks.
You wanted me to be my own man.
This is what it looks like.
All right, all right, I'll make some calls. Yes!
Anybody else wanna be a supervillain?
Promise I pay better than Chuck-little-dick-Liddell.
What did you call me? No, no, man.
He took a hit to the head. Doesn't know what he's saying.
BROOKE: I've been studying privately with Coach Podell.
And by studying, I mean my mom paid her off to make me varsity.
So, if you're half decent, I'll make sure she puts you on the team.
At least as an alternate.
You'd do that for me?
Besties stick together.
If Brooke wants a pet, she should just get a dog.
She's just trying to recreate Mindy in her own image.
All right, ladies, have a seat. Let's get started.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
COACH: Mindy Macready?
Chill. As long as you don't fall on your face, you're in.
Go.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Four attackers.
(GRUNTING)
No escape.
(GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
(PANTING)
(ALL CHEERING)
HARLOW: Oh, my God. You could totally make captain.
That was so much better than Brooke's.
Oh, my God.
GIRL: Brooke doesn't stand a chance for captain after that.
DAVE: A bunch of people with made-up names
standing around in homemade costumes,
searching the web for unsolved crimes.
The comic book heroes all have billion-dollar bases
and headquarters on the moon, but this is the real world.
...scales, like a red, white and blue. It's awesome.
What's that? Brick.
Right.
What do you think? I think it does the job.
COLONEL: People should get what they deserve.
Family living in the street deserves a hot meal.
An inebriated college girl deserves to make it home safe at night.
And a pervert, pedophile,
deserves a visit from Eisenhower.
Schwaniz! (BARKS)
Ouch.
You don't wanna hit with your closed fist.
You might break your hand, then you're defenseless.
You wanna hit with open palm and pivot. Open palm and pivot.
Grab the back“.
DAVE: I never made varsity football
or got cast in the school play. (ALL CHEERING)
Hell, I never even made honor roll.
Knock out, bitch!
But if I had, I gotta believe it would've felt a lot like this.
ALL: When the cops can no longer protect and serve,
be warned, mugger, heads up, perv.
We got the strength, we got the nerve
to give those in need what they deserve!
Justice Forever!
DAVE: We were in the ultimate clique.
It didn't matter that no one else knew.
We knew. And we felt like rock stars.
Good night, guys. Nice job. Battle Guy.
Night, Colonel. Thanks for everything.
No, son, thank you.
You showed us that every man can make a difference.
Without Kick-Ass, none of us would be here.
That's from the heart. Don't let it go to your head.
(SIGHS)
So...
I'm not really that tired.
Mmm.
(MOANING) Mmm-mmm?
Mmm. Okay.
Let's leave the masks on.
Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah!
DAVE: First big mission's tonight
and it's not community service.
We're taking on some real bad guys.
What, can't your team handle it?
They're not you, Mindy.
Remembering Tommy owns a dry fruit business.
Night Bitch teaches ballet.
Night Bitch?
What is she? A superhero or a soft core porno?
Maybe a little bit of both.
Oh, God, you're plugging her?
I'm gonna vom.
You're like a ninja.
Can't you just sneak out after Marcus goes to sleep?
You don't get it, Dave.
I made a promise to Marcus.
So break it. You're a superhero, remember?
Mindy Macready's just a disguise.
Yeah, well, I don't know what kind of superhero Night Whore is,
but if you really think I'd ever break my word,
you obviously have no idea who I am.
I know that making dance team doesn't make you stop being who you are.
I know Hit Girl couldn't give a shit
about what high school girls are into.
I know that you wouldn't go on a date if your life depended on it.
Go to hell, Dave.
What? You know I'm right.
Hey! Roid Rage.
Me? Yeah.
You wanna take me on a date sometime?
Uh, yeah. Sure. Um...
My name's, um, Simon. (CHUCKLES)
Great, um, Simon.
It's a date.
Mindy, I'm sorry.
Is there a problem, Min?
MINDY: Zero.
Good. Because I don't like problems.
MR. LIZEWSKI: Dave, you been sneaking out at night?
Mrs. Neipert said
she thought she saw you leaving at 2:00 in the morning.
Miss Neipert's crazy, Dad.
She tried to teach her dog Spanish.
Are you on drugs?
Seriously?
I gotta ask.
You're my best bud and you're growing up so fast.
Promise me you're not doing anything foolish?
Yeah, I promise.
Good enough for me, pal.
(CHUCKLES)
You're too smart to do anything stupid.
Justice Forever! (BREATHING HEAVILY)
I'm glad you got that out of your system. (CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Oh, Todd texted me. Again. What a loser.
(CHUCKLES)
Dude, how bad-ass is Colonel Stars and Stripes?
Yeah, I still can't believe he's an ex-mob enforcer.
I mean, how do you go from that to being a superhero?
He's a born-again Christian.
Shut up. Yeah.
Let's hope he can handle tonight.
I guess we're about to find out.
Hey. Where's the rest of the team?
Dr. Gravity has the flu,
and Remembering Tommy got Book of Mormon tickets, so...
COLONEL: That's okay.
Five of us should do.
How did you say this guy made his money, sir? Prostitution?
Not just girls. Kids. Ships them in from villages back home.
Boneheads in blue take a blind eye.
How do you know he's here tonight?
Because Thursday night is poker night.
Same five low-lifes every week.
Man with a habit ain't hard to find.
So what's the plan? Are we sneaking in?
I thought we'd knock. It's more polite.
What?
Stay frosty, team.
I used to eat punks like this for breakfast.
Jehovah's Witness!
(ALL SPEAKING CANTONESE)
(ALL LAUGHING)
I'm sorry, I just zoned out for a second.
Did you say that we're going up against five gangsters?
And bouncer makes six.
And three-quarters.
What the fuck do you want?
Good evening, young man. We'd like a word with Jimmy Kim.
If it's not too inconvenient.
Get the fuck out of here before I tear your head off, you old fuck.
I'm sorry.
I think we're in trouble.
I just don't understand why people feel the need
to use that kind of language. (GROANS)
(GASPS) Whoa!
There he goes.
Oh, sweet Jesus.
Battle Guy, what did I tell you about taking the Lord's name in vain?
Sorry, sir.
Eisenhower, at the ready.
Insect Man, I want you right behind me.
Everybody else spread out, catch the strays.
Oh.
And try to have fun, otherwise what's the point?
Nice party. Anybody wanna dance?
(SPEAKING CANTONESE)
(GROANS)
Where are you going?
(ALL GRUNTING)
Very nice. Behind you!
(GROANS)
Watch the birdie.
Whoo! (GRUNTS)
(GROANING)
Don't you move.
MARTY: Night Bitch! Behind you!
(GRUNTING)
Wait.
: LOOK out!
Okay, I got his right arm.
(SCREAMS)
(onerous)
You know, you shouldn't talk with your mouth full.
It's very rude. Come on.
(GROANS)
Who the hell are you?
We're the good guys.
Oh, no, you're the fucking dead guys.
Eisenhower! Schwantz! (EISENHOWER BARKING)
(SCREAMING)
On! (SHRIEKS)
Ow!
Where are the girls?
Come on, man. I've got a heart problem.
Oh, yeah?
No.
Do you want me to solve that for you?
Whoa, whoa! (EISENHOWER GROWLING)
Okay. The girls are upstairs in the apartments.
My little brother, he's on the till-He's just a college kid.
Kick-Ass, Night Bitch. On it.
Ralph D'Amico is gonna end you for this.
Ow! It hurts!
(LAUGHING) Yeah, there's a dog on your balls.
You want money? There's 50 grand on the table.
Please just make him stop! Please! (EISENHOWER GROWLING)
You think you can buy us? Is that what you think?
We're not here to steal from you.
We're hereto send a message to all the other bottom-dwellers.
We're shutting you down. NIGHT BITCH: Come on.
There is a van waiting outside from a battered women's shelter.
It'll take you some place safe.
Go. Go. We really can't leave.
We have no money.
Battle Guy, how much they have on the table?
Oh, it's like 50 grand.
You got plenty now.
Thank you.
COLONEL: Good job, guys. (HEROES CHEERING)
Very tidy. Very tidy.
I can't believe you pulled a gun on that guy.
Were you really gonna shoot him?
Let you in on a little secret.
Empty. Don't tell the bad guys.
Pardon my language, Colonel, but you have got some serious balls.
Certainly more than Mr. Kim. (ALL LAUGHING)
(STAMMERS) "There's a dog on my balls."
CHRIS: God damn it.
Javier! What happened?
Some douche just posted a link to a story about a whorehouse,
says that Kick-Ass' team took them out.
What the hell? Where's my crew?
Chris, everybody's just...
(WATER SPLASHING)
Uh, can you ladies excuse us for a second?
Uh, no, they're my sidekicks.
They can listen to what we have to say.
They're not your sidekicks, Chris.
They're prostitutes and witnesses, come on.
All right. Sorry, no offense.
Everybody's just too afraid of your Uncle Ralph to take the job.
But he's in prison.
Doesn't matter. He runs the family now.
And he wants everybody to lay low.
But, fortunately for you,
Big Tony doesn't know how to lay low, so he's in.
I don't remember a Big Tony. Is he huge? He's ironic.
5 foot 4, but mean as shit.
(GROANS)
He's go! Such a hard-on for killing people.
He's little and he kills. Right.
Call him "The Tumor,".
Who's next?
JAVIER: All right, we've got, uh, an ex-Triad member looking for work.
Easy, "Genghis Carnage." Come on.
You gotta quit with the racist stereotypes, Chris.
Archetypes. Keep going.
We got, uh, Katarina Dumbrovski.
Wait, wait. A chick?
JAVIER: Yeah.
CHRIS: Seriously, you hired a chick?
Yeah. Former KGB. She was locked up in the Gulag until she ate her eel/mate.
Okay. "Mother Russia."
Mother Russia and Motherfucker both on the same team?
That doesn't work, Chris.
I am not asking for suggestions, asshole.
Just get them costumes and get them ready!
Shit.
Javier, thank you.
I couldn't do this without you.
You're pretty much like the only real family I have left.
Not a problem, man. I got your back.
It's kinda like you're the Alfred to my evil Bruce Wayne.
Did you just call me your fucking butler?
Yeah, is that not a compliment?
(CHUCKLES)
Shit. My bad.
DAVE: There wasn't much action most nights.
I mean, there was always a little action with Night Bitch.
The reality of being a superhero is lots of patrols.
But that didn't stop people from begging to join up.
With all our new members, it seemed kinda shitty not to ask Todd.
Stop peeking, man, you're gonna ruin it.
Check it out.
You can't fight crime in that Your pants are so tight, you got frog-eye.
(GIGGLING) What the hell's "frog-eye"?
Male camel toe. What?
I'm not really sure about these names, either.
"Whup-Ass," "Kick-Ass-Man."
"Dr. Kick-Ass"? Yeah.
Yeah, they all kinda seem derivative.
MARTY: Let me translate that.
You can't just copy Dave's name, you knob-gobbler.
Okay. Um...
Uh...
Oh, wait. Oh, I got it.
I got it. I got it.
"Ass Kicker."
Seriously?
You're such a dick, Marty.
I know this is why you guys aren't texting me back,
I'm not an actual idiot.
Well, you could have fooled me, Ass-Licker.
Yeah. Well, screw you guys. (LAUGHING) Todd...
No, really. Fuck you guys.
I'm gonna go find my own team.
Todd. Wait. Come on.
(SIGHS)
DAVE: Todd was right, we were being dicks.
But the truth is, the only person.
I really wanted on the team was Mindy,
but she was too busy trying not to be a superhero.
Okay, Min, he's here.
Your first big date. How are you feeling?
Like the first time Big Daddy sent me into
a crack den with nothing but a penknife.
I've got some butterflies.
You just be yourself and you let me be nervous.
Don't worry about me. I can kill a man with his own finger.
A word of advice, I wouldn't open with that. (CHUCKLES)
Thanks for letting me finally take you out.
Well, uh,
how else was I gonna get you to stop calling?
Thanks. You're welcome.
(ENGINE STARTS)
MINDY: Where are we going?
SIMON: To a party.
Why is this party in the middle of nowhere?
Because that's where keg parties usually are, right?
Guess we're the first ones here.
This isn't where you have a party, moron.
This is where you dump a dead body.
What's your problem?
I'm sorry.
I'll stop being such a bitch.
You actually seem like a nice guy.
(CHUCKLES)
So, um...
You wanna hook up?
And a total idiot.
(RUSTLING)
Simon, get back in the car.
Now!
Yay, you made it.
(GIRLS GIGGLING) Brooke?
This is to celebrate you.
Celebrate?
What a total loser you are.
And we ditch losers.
Poor Mindy. What did you think?
The cool kids saw something special in you
and invited you to your first party
where you'd sip your first beer
and finally suck face for the first time?
Newsflash, you're not special.
Fuck with the queen bee and you're gonna get stung.
BOTH: Date ditch. (ALL CHEERING)
Party at my house!
GIRL: Pathetic.
BROOKE: Simon, you can drive us.
(ENGINE STARTS)
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
Dave?
Oh, my God! Mindy? Holy shit. What are you doing?
Just needed to see my Robin, I guess.
Are you okay?
Hey, hey, hey.
(SOBBING)
I don't know what to do.
Those girls, they're...
They're evil.
It's just high school. Who gives a shit?
You should be out there in the real world making it a better place.
Dave, I can't.
I know, you promised your dad.
But he's not here anymore.
This is your life. You've gotta live it.
How am I supposed to face them tomorrow?
I'm so embarrassed.
Why?
You're smart. You're beautiful. You're funny.
(EXHALES)
You're the strongest person I've ever met. You can do anything.
And you're Hit Girl. (CHUCKLES)
Doesn't matter if you're wearing a mask or makeup,
it's who you really are.
So what should I do? Cut their tongues out?
No! Definitely not.
(CHUCKLES) I'm fucking with you.
Just beat them at their own game.
By being yourself.
BROOKE: Well, if you really wanna be popular,
consider two little words, "sexy" "tape."
Lois, you don't need these ax wounds.
If I can dress like them, so can you.
It's a gift from some drug dealer who went missing.
BROOKE: Just because you dress like us,
doesn't mean you can be like one of us.
It doesn't matter what costume I wear, yours or mine,
I'm a superhero. That's who I am.
Okay, Captain Muffin-Muncher,
have fun playing make-believe.
This?
This is all make-believe, Brooke.
The reality is you're an evil bitch
who's just as bad as the worst criminal scum.
You wanna get real, Mindy? In the real world, I win.
I go to an awesome college, I marry a hot guy
and I make adorable
babies for my nanny to take care of while we vacay in Paris.
My life is gonna rock and yours is gonna suck.
And no matter how slutty you dress,
no boy is ever gonna wanna kiss that hole you call a mouth.
So why don't you spare us all the whining and slit your wrists now?
'Cause the only thing that's gonna ruin my day
is looking at your face one more second.
Told her. (CHUCKLES) Damn.
BROOKE: What's that? A ghetto cell phone?
(GASPS) Gonna call for help with a come-back?
Hmm.
Actually, my daddy bought this from a disgruntled DARPA employee.
You see, it was designed for crowd control, but deemed too severe.
It emits a pulse that creates spontaneous nausea and diarrhea.
(CHUCKLES) He called it "the sick stick."
Either your daddy got ripped off,
or you're back in make-believe land, sweetheart,
because we feel fabulous.
Not for long.
(ALL SCREAMING)
Oh, my God!
You get away from me. Please, you win.
I don't wanna win. I just want to make the world a better place.
(ALL GASP)
Dad?
You home? Dad?
Is this what you've been up to
while I'm out working nights saving for your college?
You've been dressing up and fighting people?
There is blood on these stick things.
What are you doing in my room?
I was looking for drugs.
I was worried about you.
Okay, good. Now you can stop.
No. Now I'm even more worried.
Jesus, Dave, drugs would have been better.
This is deranged.
Whoa. Some people do a lot worse.
Oh, the people you hang outwith? No.
The people I hang out with are superheroes.
There is no such thing, Dave.
This is the real world with real consequences.
When are you gonna grow up?
If it means turning into you, never.
I don't wear the mask because I'm ashamed of who I am.
Not like you.
What's that supposed to mean?
If you're not at work, you're here doing crunches.
Why? So you can look like someone else?
Maybe get a few more years of doing nothing?
Your life has no meaning, Dad.
When you're gone, who's gonna notice?
Where the hell are you going?
Oh, uh, I'm leaving. That's what you do when you grow up.
Did he say why he wanted to see me?
JAVIER: When your Uncle Ralph calls, I don't ask questions.
Just the kid.
Chris, just be cool and you'll be fine.
RALPH: Hey, how you doing?
Good, Uncle Ralph.
Listen, Chrissy, things have been tough all around since your dad,
you know.
Well, I been trying to get the family back on track from in here.
They record these things.
I know, it's fine.
The warden's a pal. Now listen to me.
It's okay to have a bit of fun,
but you can't go hiring a gang of heavy hitters.
Javier should have told you.
No, it doesn't matter.
Uncle Ralph, I am gonna make Kick-Ass pay for what he did to us.
Chrissy, you need to forget that punk.
It's more important that you stay out of this.
You're not like me, or your dad, you're, uh...
Special.
You can't tell me what to do anymore.
I know who I am now.
Oh, yeah?
And who's that?
The Motherfucker.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
You think you're the big bad guy, huh?
Let me show you what real evil looks like.
JAVIER: Hello?
Javier, what's going on?
Chris, what's up?
What are you doing on Lou's phone, huh?
Drop yours in the toilet again?
Everything okay?
(GROANS)
(JAVIER CHOKING)
(DYING GASP)
Thank you for that I needed it.
For what comes next.
Don't be stupid, Chris.
Just get out of town for a while. Go to college or something.
Why? You just taught me everything I needed to know.
COLONEL: Voila!
Presto and elegant, damn. Them boys designed a very tasty logo.
(BARKS)
What's the matter, girl? You hear something?
Come on, let's go see. Come on!
(BARKING)
Anybody out here?
I don't see anything.
Gonna have to stay in there until you calm down, you lunatic.
(EISENHOWER BARKING)
I wonder what's bothering you.
I know. Tonight you die.
Ladies first.
You will not shoot me.
You are superhero. You help people. You do not hurt them.
That's supervillain territory.
Or as I like to call my little gang,
the Toxic Mega-Cums.
Hi.
(CLICKS)
Yeah, like your head.
(GROANS)
(ALL LAUGHING) (BARKING)
(GROANS)
(SCREAMS)
Yay!
Ooh, it's gotta hurt!
(GROANING)
I did my homework on you, Colonel.
You used to be Sal Bertolini, didn't you?
Did a few jobs for my dad back in the day, before you got "born again."
I used to hang with a lot of losers.
Is this how you thought you'd die, Sal? Dressed like an idiot?
(EISENHOWER BARKING)
Who are you supposed to be?
I'm The Motherfucker!
And I'm here to end Kick-Ass. Not just kill him.
I am gonna shit on everything that he loves.
(GROANS) Let's trash this place, guys.
CHRIS: "Miranda Swedlow"?
Who's that, Sal? She one of the whores on your team?
(GRUNTING)
Night Bitch all snuggled up to Kick-Ass.
Looks like our boy's got a new hot pocket.
Want me to kill his dog?
The dog? Jesus Christ, I'm not that evil.
Cut the old man's head off. (GASPS)
You guys hungry? I'm starving. Come on.
Pizza, can we get pizza?
We're getting pizza.
Don't worry, I kill you first.
(GROANING)
(BARKING)
Justice For...
...ever. (NECK SNAPPING)
A Brooklyn resident was found decapitated last night.
According to Twitter, a man claiming to be
the world's first supervillain...
Hold you, no TV. You're grounded, remember?
Marcus, I know I made you a promise,
but I can't keep being someone I'm not.
When I see evil, I have to stop it.
Mindy, what you did to those girls at school was unacceptable.
You could have really hurt them. You're right, I could have,
but instead I sent them home with tummy-aches.
Boo-fucking-hoo.
I don't get ii. This obsession that you have with revenge is not healthy.
If you don't let me and the police do our jobs,
there is gonna be nothing that I can do for you.
You're never gonna have a normal life
and you'll probably end up like your father.
Marcus, they cut a guy's head off.
Who else is going to stop them?
Kick-Ass? You?
You go to your room and do your homework.
Now!
TOMMY'S MUM: Hey, guys, we're signing a sympathy card for the Colonel's sister.
You wanna go 5 bucks each so we can send flowers from the team?
Did you guys see The Motherfuckers Twitter page?
Who is this guy? And what's his problem with us?
I don't know, but he has got some elephant-sized balls.
He's been bragging on the web about what they did to the Colonel.
Can that be traced?
I tried. His IP address is masked.
All right, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna organize a fight.
There are a lot of guys online who said they're in if we need them.
Are you kidding me? This isn't West Side Story.
We didn't join up to be in a gang.
We did this so we could help people.
Shannon! Right. We need to leave this to the cops.
We better start walking in pairs.
Motherfuckers tweeted that the Colonel was just the beginning.
Anybody seen Night Bitch?
(WHIRRING)
Are you sure she's on that team?
Stupid gash posted on her superhero page that shes dating Kick-Ass.
So, yeah, I'm damn sure.
Hello, Night Bitch!
Hey.
Oh, she wants to take the party upstairs.
We're gonna have a party.
She closed the door. (BOTH LAUGHING)
(SCREAMS)
(LAUGHS)
Don't worry, darling, I'm not gonna kill you.
I want you to give a message to your boyfriend.
(GROANS) (YELPS)
Come on, wriggly.
NIGHT BITCH: Let go!
You're done banging superheroes, baby. (GRUNTS)
It's time to see what evil dick feels like.
(GROANS)
(UNZIPS)
Shit.
THE TUMOR: What's wrong?
What are you doing?
(GROANS)
(PANTING) Come on!
God, okay, I'm just... I'm not in the mood.
I guess evil dick feels limp.
Hurt her. Bad!
BLACK DEATH: Cops are coming. (SIRENS WAILING)
Leave it to Mother Russia. She makes 10 times what we do.
Fifty thousand a week. Plus expenses.
Hey, watch out!
(BOTH GROANING)
BOTH: Wow!
(GRUNTS)
(SIRENS WAILING)
Reverse it! Reverse it!
(GROANING)
(BRAKES SCREECH)
Don't move! Freeze!
(GROANS)
Fifty thousand. She's worth it'
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
(WHIRRING)
(TIRES SCREECH)
Whoa, whoa! Why are they backing up?
Why is there a lawnmower on the trunk?
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Wow!
(SIREN WAILING)
(TIRES SCREECH)
We need back-up, eight men down.
I think you mean 10.
Let's bounce! Put the word out I'm building an evil army.
All psychopaths and ex-cons welcome.
I don't think you're gonna have a problem when people hear about this.
(CHUCKLES)
They just disappeared?
All they have to do is take off their masks,
no one's gonna recognize them once they're back in their street clothes.
Your attention, please!
Feds traced the IP addresses for all those other costumed freaks.
We got every law enforcement agency
in the state working to hit them at once!
Why is Kick-Ass on this list?
His crew does community service.
I don't give a shit. Anyone wearing a mask is getting detained.
We're putting an end to this tonight!
DAVE: A lot of people said the cops were too heavy-handed that night.
But you gotta put it into context.
The police didn't mind our real life superhero stuff
as long as we were picking up litter
or helping old ladies cross the street.
But suddenly it was serious.
Suddenly we represented everything that was wrong with society.
Freeze! (GROANS)
Dad had warned me that the real world had real consequences.
As they pulled up, he must have been feeling pretty damn vindicated.
Oh, shit, Dave. What have you done?
(BANGING ON DOOR)
OFFICER: Police, open up. (BANGING CONTINUES)
Hey.
Hi.
Uh, uh, it's me, Kick-Ass.
Wow.
You're actually pretty cute under that mask.
(SIGHS)
I'm so sorry about what happened.
Don't be.
It's my own fault.
We're gonna find these assholes and make this right.
What's the point?
I mean, we're really superheroes
about as much as we're really dating.
We don't even know each others names.
I think it's time to get back to the real world.
I thought we were trying to make it a better place.
Then why is it worse?
DAVE: Maybe Night Bitch was right,
which means Dad was, too.
I mean, things had gotten out of hand.
Maybe it was time for me to stop crashing at Marty's
and start apologizing.
(CHATTER ON POLICE RADIO)
Dad?
Whoa, whoa. That's my dad.
Your dad's Kick-Ass? What?
Yeah, he just gave himself up.
You don't understand. He's doing this to protect me.
Dad!
(ENGINE STARTS)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Mindy? Dave?
I need your help. My dad's been arrested.
They think he's Kick-Ass. Can you talk to Marcus?
(SIGHS) I'm grounded. So?
So that means I can't get involved.
Look. Wait a second. I wish I could help.
MARCUS: Mindy! Are you on the phone?
Look, I gotta go, okay?
I'm sorry, Dave.
Mindy, wait, wait.
(SIGHS)
DAVE: Hey, what the hell were you thinking?
Yeah, I could ask you the same thing.
I can't believe you lied to them.
I wasn't gonna do nothing while you went to jail.
I chose this. You should let me deal with the consequences.
I thought you wanted me to grow up.
Yeah? When you get a kid of your own one day, you'll understand.
I'm gonna tell them the truth.
No. Hey... It'll just make things worse.
Look, I spoke to my attorney. (SNIFFLES)
He said they gotta let me out by tomorrow.
No actual crime was committed.
There are people out there who wanna kill Kick-Ass.
Well, the cops are out there looking for them,
so the safest place for Kick-Ass is right here, locked away.
I don't know how you got into all this shit, but
you gotta promise me you will never dress up in that outfit again.
Do you hear me?
I promise.
This evil lair owns!
Do people still say that, "own"?
Yeah, of course.
Your shark. Somethings wrong.
Think you used the wrong kind of water.
What the hell, Eyal?
Ifs fine, Chris. They're supposed to lie at the bottom of the tank.
It's just their way of, how you say,
settling into their environment.
Don't screw me on this, okay?
You said we'd be ready in two days,
we don't even have a men's room yet.
Don't worry.
What's with the bags of shit?
It's fertilizer for the bombs.
You're not a supervillain if you don't have a plan to destroy the city.
It will not work. You need a chemical kind.
Do I have to do everything myself? Just fix it!
You must relax. Everything is going as planned.
Mmm, no. No. Except it's not, okay?
That sad sack is not Kick-Ass.
I've seen Kick-Ass, he's like my age.
Guy's old enough to be his father.
No shit, right.
CHRIS: I'm sorry, who are you?
I, uh, volunteered for your evil army, like the others.
Right. I appreciate that. Thanks for joining the 'cause.
This is the VIP area for the core group.
I just thought it was funny you said that.
Because he is Kick-Ass, father.
Who?
Mr. Lizewski. He's Kick-Ass, dad.
Shut up!
(CHUCKLES) Yeah. You're not gonna tell anyone, are you?
(CHUCKLES) No.
But you, my friend, have just earned
life-time access to my VIP area.
Go take a little seat.
Hey, get the kid a Frappuccino,
then put his little punk ass back to work.
(PHONE RINGING)
Okay.
Come on.
Can I help you?
The Motherfucker wants us to take a picture with you.
It helps that my dad is a really good lawyer.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES) Because I don't think my beautiful ass
would last too long in prison. (CHUCKLES)
Whoa, that's weird. Chris D'Amico just texted me a picture.
Red Mist? Whatever happened to that guy?
: What is it?
Dude, what's wrong?
(SOBBING)
What is it?
(GROANING)
DAVE: The next few days passed in a fog.
It didn't matter that I told the police about Chris,
they couldn't find him.
The cops did show up at Dad's funeral,
not out of respect,
but because they were scared something would happen.
My dad was a decent man.
All he ever did was try and give me a good life,
and I told him no one would notice when he was gone.
I love you, pal.
I love you, too, Dad.
You guys came.
We'd love to help you track down this Chris D'Amico d-bag, but
we just got out on parole.
No, that's fine.
I'm not looking for revenge.
Last thing I promised my dad was that I was gonna give this up.
That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
But you started this.
Now I'm ending it.
(SNIFFLES)
Dave, I'm so sorry. Do you hate me for not helping?
No, not even a little bit.
You were right. You gave it up.
If I had, too, my dad would still be alive.
The only person I blame is myself.
Let's do this!
Get down!
(GROANING)
(COUGHING)
Mindy!
Spread out!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Keep your head down!
(SHOUTING CONTINUES)
(GROANS)
DR. GRAVITY: Come on!
(SCREAMING)
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Get him! (VAN STARTS)
Get that van over here!
Hurry up!
(COUGHING)
Mindy?
Mindy!
Mindy?
(TIRES SCREECHING)
You gotta put this on.
I'm not gonna do it.
There's nothing left you can do to hurt me. (LAUGHING)
You wanna bet?
(GUNSHOT)
Whoa! Whoa!
Game on, cocksuckers!
There's a girl on the roof!
(GRUNTS) (HORNS BLARING)
She's still up there!
(SCREAMING)
(YELPING)
I think I got her! Go check!
(GRUNTS)
(YELLS)
Get out there!
(HORNS HONKING)
Come on! Move your head.
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMS)
Pull over, pube-face.
(EXHALES)
We know Chris D'Amico is The Motherfucker. Where is he hiding?
Eat a dick.
You're gonna eat yours if you don't start talking.
Go ahead and shoot me, you little bitch.
There's nothing you can do that would make me talk. (GROANS)
Look, hold on. I can't do this right now. It's my dad's funeral.
Dave, your father loved you.
Just like my daddy loved me. And I know it hurts, but maybe,
maybe that's the real meaning of being a superhero.
Is taking that pain and turning it into something good.
Something right.
Remember what you told me?
This is your life. You've gotta live it.
Now help me find some pliers. I'm gonna make this guy eat his own dick.
Seriously?
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Hello? MINDY: Marcus?
Mindy. What's going on? Are you okay?
I'm fine.
We know where The Motherfucker's hiding.
He's recruiting an army of supervillains and making homemade bombs.
Marcus, he wants to burn the city down.
You promised me.
Know you see me as this little girl, but I'm not and I never was.
You're right.
Daddy did take my childhood away,
but I'm not so sure that was a bad thing.
Marcus, he gave me a gift,
a gift that I can't escape no matter how hard I try.
And I don't need to spend the next four years of my life
trying to figure out who I am
because I already know.
I'm Hit Girl.
I posted the address. Do you think they'll show?
Chris has an army.
These real life super dweebs
have been waiting their whole lives for a call like this.
Are you okay?
What? Yeah, no... I'm fine.
Here.
Take this.
"Last resort" really isn't my style.
Dave, this isn't a comic book. Real people are going to die tonight.
My daddy was prepared for anything.
Are you?
Yeah.
I am.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
They should be back by now!
BLACK DEATH: It's definitely dead.
Says on the Internet you're supposed to keep them in fresh water.
It is just hungry. We must feed it.
Why are you looking at me?
(GRUNTS) We gotta get this shit started.
Oh, yeah. Have I got a show for you bitches!
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (ALL CHEERING)
ALL: (CHANTING) Motherfucker, Motherfucker...
All right, party people!
We are gonna kill Kick-Ass,
the very first superhero, together.
We are gonna cut him up into little pieces, feed that shit to MC Shark
and post it all over YouTube. For real!
(CHEERING)
He's kidding, right?
Motherfucker don't kid.
That's not it. I'm gonna give each and every one of you
party favor fertilizer bombs!
And we are gonna get our riot on!
That's what it means to be evil.
We, my friends, are the real 1%,
and tonight we are gonna fuck this city up or my name is not...
DAVE: Chris D'Amico!
(MUSIC STOPS)
That is not my name!
(ALL MURMURING)
No, you're right. Your new name's Little Bitch.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, this is perfect.
Are you really that stupid?
There's two of you and a whole army of us.
Do you really have such a hard-on to die?
: No.
That's why we brought our friends.
What's the matter, Chris? Shit hit your shorts?
Yeah, and I'm gonna wipe my ass with your face.
You're gonna pay for what you did to my dad.
Your dad? You blew up my dad with a bazooka.
BAG GUYS: Oh!
(ALL SHOUTING)
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMS)
Are you ready to die, little girl?
I might be if I have to keep looking at that shit-stain you call a face.
Chris!
(GROANS)
(COCKING GUNS)
(SIGHS)
Hold him down. I wanna see what his guts look like.
That's enough from you boys!
(GRUNTING)
Nicely done, sweetheart.
That all you got?
No, I got my lethal zero G device.
Bullshit.
(GASPS)
No shit.
(DEVICE POWERS UP)
(CHUCKLING EVILLY)
Are you okay?
(SUPERVILLAIN VOMITING)
Yeah. Thanks. Ass Kicker.
Nice.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(BONES CRACKING)
(SCREAMS)
(YELLS)
(SCREAMS)
(YELLS)
(GASPS)
Jesus, you are such a pussy.
What is the point of wearing a mask if you can't do what you want?
(YELPS)
(CHOCKS)
We want to do good.
No, people want to win the lottery.
(SCREAMING)
People want to fuck Scarlett Johansson.
You think you can kill me with little needle?
(EXHALES SOFTLY)
(GASPING)
That's not what it's for.
(GRUNTS) (GROANS)
It's called adrenaline, bitch.
(GROANS)
What was that, some cheap shot?
That was for the Colonel.
Ahh!
That's for Night Bitch.
And that's for my dad.
(GLASS CRACKING)
(SCREAMS)
(GRUNTING)
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
(GROANS)
What the hell are you doing?
Saving your whiny ass!
No!
I won't let you have this. I'd rather die!
What is wrong with you, dude? This is not a comic book, it's real life!
When you're dead, it's done. There's no sequel.
You made this real. You started it! And I'm gonna finish ii.
I'll be immortal' like an evil Jesus.
Wait!
(SCREAMING)
(EXHALES)
(GASPING)
I'm alive. (LAUGHS)
Dave, I'm so sorry.
(YELLS)
DAVE: The feeling was indescribable.
Chris D'Amico, dead.
His wannabe supervillains, defeated.
But did we make the world a better place?
Or did we just finish something that began when I first put on this mask?
The cops are coming.
TOMMY'S MUM: They'll take care of the bad guys.
We better skedaddle before they get here.
We did it.
Fuck, yeah.
Hey, language.
You're right, if we're gonna dress like heroes, we should act like heroes.
He'd be proud of you, Dave.
He'd be proud of all of us.
You know we can never do this again, right?
It's over.
One last time. Come on.
What do you say, Hit Girl? Are you in?
Why the hell not?
ALL: Justice Forever!
(EXHALES) Thanks for the ride.
I'll see you at school.
I'm leaving New York, Dave.
I can't go home. I can't put Marcus in that position.
Why? He won't arrest you. You just saved the city.
Yeah, well, I also killed six guys with a cop's gun.
Vigilantes don't get a free pass.
You can't go. People need you.
They've got you now. Mindy... (LAUGHS)
I'm not like you.
You don't have to be a bad-ass to be a superhero, Dave.
You just have to be brave.
What was that?
That was my first kiss.
Be nice or I'll rip your ass out through your mouth.
DAVE: When Mindy left,
that's when I finally understood where my life was going.
Just like it had to eventually happen,
that real people would try to be superheroes.
Eventually it had to end, too.
Superheroes can't exist in the real world for a reason.
It's because the real world needs real heroes.
And not some punk in a wet-suit playing dress-up,
but a genuine bad-ass who can really kick ass.
CHRIS: Hello?
Please. Don't go.
Don't go.
(GROANS)
Is anybody there?
(GROANING)
Hello?
(GROANING)
(GRUNTS) Some help, please?
A shark bit my fucking dick off and I can't get some water?
(GRUNTING)
(STRAINS)